this blog functions as a digital diary of sorts, so it is a page For Me. and will not be trigger tagged. blanket warnings/things i may commonly discuss: drug use, suicide and depression, sexual and domestic abuse, psychosis, death.



listening to:
  • hymns by bloc party

  • watching:
  • dead boy detectives, the righteous gemstones, b99

  • reading:
  • the long way to a small angry planet
  • may 15, 2024

    i want to talk about something that i've struggled a lot with lately, which is... i think i have narcissistic personality disorder.

    that's not me self diagnosing without doing any research, i've been wondering this + doing research for the past several years, several others in my family have this diagnosis, and i'm also diagnosed borderline. but there's... a lot of stigma around this disorder, and it comes with a lot of self-hatred for me.

    most recently i have been struggling with the anger issues it gives me. when i don't get attention or praise, i get very very angry, and it sort of consumes me, and i go into a blind rage where i'm physically destructive to myself and my surroundings. i'd never hurt anyone else, i havent since childhood, but i broke my phone once because i was in one of these rages--and i live with my family, who are some of the only people i truly love in the world, and it only stresses and hurts them. but i don't seem to stop. i can't stop, it's like nothing satisfies me. i just want praise and praise and when i don't get it i am a brokenness of a person. and, often, i... don't get it LOL, so im angry all the time at a world i feel like cannot handle me-and worse, i feel like a black hole of a thing, that only eats and eats.

    i try to do the best i can, i have a strict moral code that just looks a little different from other people's morality, and i always try to be kind to people unless they have given me a reason not to be. but i do get annoyed with people a lot when our personalities do not mesh, and i take everything they say as a slight against me, and it's really hard for me to control my annoyance. i do, because if i were to get upset it'd make me look bad, but i feel like i'm sort of betraying myself when i keep my mouth shut--like i'm letting them walk all over me. well, i tell myself that thought crimes are not real crimes, and that as long as i can keep myself from blowing up, it doesn't matter what mean things i think to myself, or does it ...?

    i'm having a day i think where my disorganized thinking is really scattered right now, and so i dont think this makes a lot of sense. basically what im saying is i wish i had a place to discuss how these symptoms are ruining my life openly and comfortably, a place where no one is going to invalidate me or outright demonize me just because niceness and empathy don't come easily to me. i really want to be the best person i can be because i don't want to perpetuate the pain i received growing up, and i will never quit trying to get better and act in alignment with my values of kindness. it's, just, y'know, harder for me than the average person.

    may 11, 2024

    i am home from vacation and just... tired beyond belief?

    i am in a grieving period---grieving the closeness i had with my partner when i was with them. we don't get to talk much when we're apart due to external circumstances, and... i feel like that closeness has been ripped out of me harshly. i know that's not true but i just miss them so so much and going back to low contact is so hard for someone like me. i adore my partner so deeply.

    this trip has been exhausting, and very emotional for me. like i said, i feel a grief in a way. but i also feel closer to them than i have felt with anyone else ever in my life, and i know i want to be w/ them forever. it's just. logistics, yknow? i'm dedicated. i have only been comfortable with relationships historically when they begin as text-only or long distance, because, due to my trauma, i don't want anyone to push me into physical contact before i'm ready--and my partner has been so respectful of my boundaries and i'm so appreciative.

    i just wish things were easier, but i guess life would be boring if things were easy all the time. still, i'd like things to be Somewhat easier, lol.

    anyway, on another topic, part of my issue these days is that i'm struggling with treatment resistant depression, and i feel constantly like i want to die soon. i have tried every medication they can give me & now they want to give me either ketamine or electroshock therapy, and i just don't... WANT to do either of those things.. so i'm going to try a few things to see if i can get my life to a somewhat more livable state.

    first i'm going to try to make a weekly schedule, one that i stick to every day, because i dont work or go to school due to disability so... i have no schedule! but there are other things i can do every day, and i'm tired of this constant void boredom that eats me alive every day. i'm working on creating that now. i'm also going to try to get out more.... i want to feel better and i don't know how but i know i need to make Some lifestyle changes?

    i sorta feel like i won't feel better until i find a deep connection with someone who is able to spend time with me and who can talk to me whenever they have free time, because that is a void in my life--the kind of platonic closeness that comes with having a best friend. i haven't had a best friend... probably in 5 years, and my last "best friend" turned out to be a horrid person. every aspect of my depression rn revolves around loneliness. and with my beloved's autonomy so restricted at their home, we talk less than i'd like, and it aches.

    may 09, 2024

    i am leaving a day early from iowa (where i am visiting my partner) because i tripped on my purse and sliced my leg open, dislocating my ankle and knee (thanks, hEDS!), and in iowa you cannot have medical marijuana which is the only thing that has managed to help my pain ever.... i am in so much pain i have to go home and i guess my physical health is really frustrating me because it keeps me from being able to do the things i want to do. i am also extremely extremely exhausted despite the fact that i am having a good time. idk theres so much on my mind and i reached out to a few friends after having 3 breakdowns at once and i got... ignored lol so i'm just. i'm not in a good place at all. i dont want to leave them and go back home to not being able to speak to them for most of the day because [circumstance]. i dont want to go back home now that i've been with them like this. i don't want to go anywhere at all.

    may 08, 2024

    these past few days im spending with my beloved have finally given me. i don't know. i for so long really couldn't put it... into words? it was. warmth and fuzziness. like sinking into a soft fluffy warm blanket. like time stopped for me and everything bad melted away and turned into the ice cream in the chocolate shake i bought them, sweeter. like i had won the lottery. like i had been given something i never ever want to have taken away. like a random missing fragment of my soul clicked in place? i don't know. anyway, i realized afterwards that i think that feeling was something i genuinely have never felt, in my life, before: "contentment"

    every other relationship i've had has been long distance exclusively---and up until now i preferred it that way, because i didn't want anyone to expect anything from me. i'm severely traumatized, and autistic; these things make physical touch very Difficult, in my experience, to handle when i don't implicitly 100% trust someone. but... i trust them. one thousand percent, with my whole essence, i trust them.

    and fuck, i mean, that's scary!!! it's so scary because i didn't know what being happy was like before two days ago and soon i have to go back home and i dont want to go back to the nothingness i am at home, because i see myself in the reflection of their eyes and i like what i look like under their gaze. i'm tearing up writing this!! i love everything about them and when i am with them i find that i see the world in a whole new way. i stop and look at my surroundings and everything is more vivid, like the time i did shrooms but more holy, like everything is bluer and greener and brighter and softer and most importantly kinder. i feel their head rest on my chest and i only feel saved.

    i, my whole life, have had treatment-resitant depression. we've tried every med, every intervention, and i still always want to die. now i want to be alive to see where this goes and what the future can look like.