this blog functions as a digital diary of sorts, so it is a page For Me. and will not be trigger tagged. blanket warnings/things i may commonly discuss: drug use, suicide and depression, sexual and domestic abuse, psychosis, death.


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CURRENTLY

listening to:
  • hymns by bloc party

    • watching:
  • community, new girl

    • reading:
  • hijab butch blues

    • october 15, 2024

    i started cymbalta recently and i hope it helps because i tried to go to a halloween event downtown the other day and i just broke down crying in front of a bunch of people lmao. like my depression is still. Bad! and i think it has been kicking my ass bc all i do is sleep and get nauseous these dayz lol. but i am just really tired of being sad and im scared that the highest level of improvement i'm capable of reaching isn't very high at all? If that makes sense?? I JUST WANNA FEEL BETTEERRRRRRRRR

    and anyway i dont do much these days. a few weeks ago i went to a journaling event and that was nice. i am talking to people a bit more regularly which has really helped. but my life still feels horribly empty. all i do is use various drugs and go online. and try to write but suck at it/get too tired/dont have the motivation to/get distracted. ugh. i dont even know if this makes sense and it feels like all i do in this section is complain but well whatever. i'm tired of being alive

    october 2, 2024

    im starting to feel a little optimistic but i know it'll pass.

    been struggling a lot with my dissociative identity disorder-related symptoms recently, which i think is probably my biggest and most distressing problem. first there's the cptsd prong, the "in a permanent state of being 'out of it'" thing, and then there's the whole "never being the same person + having wants and ideas and desires and thoughts and moods shifting rapidly from one second to the next so absolutely nothing in my life is ever stable" thing. there's one alter i have who is just unreachably depressed and i think that's one of my main causes of depression + Why i've been so treatment resistant. but i dont know how to help him

    but also i think i can have a better life if i really try. i've got to try because i have no other choice. i wrote a creative nonfiction piece a bit ago named after that one michael rosen book, and i find it resonating still: i'm not going on a bear hunt again. the only way out is through

    sept 22, 2024

    i keep wanting to update here but i dont have anything to say besides "almost committed suicide again" lol. hopefully i will have better updates soon.

    sept 09, 2024

    tired of being so depressed. i finally got my bipolar misdiagnosis removed so hopefully i won't be rejected from ketamine treatment this time lol. i feel like i'm just sort of floating in this void of dark muddy restlessness where i'm so tired and exhausted and i've had enough but at the same time nothing is enough and i have so much but i still keep wanting and buying and hoping like some sort of hopeless insatiable creaturething. i keep hoping there's something out there for me but i dont know if there is. i want to go to college and have a life and fall in love but i dont think there's any hope but at the same time i have to keep trying. im really hoping that when i start ketamine treatmnent (if they dont reject me) i will get better because otherwise i dont know what im going to do

    i think i am a pretty cool or at least i dont suck too terribly so i dont get why i am so alone like i feel such a strong visceral connection to the universe that doesn't feel mutual at all. i want so badly to be someone's first priority, the one person they always look forward to talking to, the first person they tell good news to, the one they try to remember everything about. i dont have that. there are people i pay consistent attention to, memorize everything about to the best of my ability, adore - but it's never reciprocated (i don't mean in a romantic sense, i mean the intenisty of it. i always care about people more than they care about me. or at least, that's what it feels like.) i hope one day someone can look at me and truly see me but i dont know.

    so much of my depression is rooted in my loneliness and i truly feel like it won't change unless i find this connection. and yes, i have a lot of friends and acquantanciens, but i don't have a person. everyone else has someone else. i want a life partner of some sort. i dont care what way at this point but it'd be nice if someone loved me romantically but i've basically given up all hope for THAT to ever happen in a way that works for me. but i feel like i'll never truly recover from my depression until i find some kind of strong friendship. and this isnt me thinking Oh love will fix me! it's the fact that i've been isolated my whole entire existence and never developed social skills because i was bullied too badly for being autistic and no one ever wanted to talk to me as a kid so i never learned how to. and now im an adult that nobody wants to talk to lol. i've been waiting my whole life for this kind of connection. i have never had it, as the person i am today. and it aches and it aches. and it aches and it aches. and i keep telling people that this is the only thing that can help me yet i still get ignored even if i reach out. i am at a loss for words