aug 21, 2024

i went to the beach today, up in silver lake, where my family used to own a gift shop way back when. i've been obsessed with the concept of aliens lately, even more than usual... i think it's veering into delusion territory sometimes but during the very long ride up there i tried to summon aliens with my mind, pointing my thoughts towards the stars with the eternal invitation. it didn't work of course, but i got to watch the greens of the landscape zip by out of the car window so it was still worth it, still beautiful. i fell asleep on the sand and in the car and i had a dream about a dim red room where all fiction goes and when i woke up i had sand bugs all up in my swimsuit and a painful sunburn on my back but again: still worth it, still beautiful. i think the sand bugs said to me sorry i didn't know that made you uncomfortable, which is very thoughtful of the little guy. the sound of the waves lapping up against me like starving dog tongues was so calming -- and real, entirely unlike the recording on the sound machine i fall asleep to in my bed at night, and real, as real as the unburdening i felt in that moment, however temporary it was (things got bad, like they always do, when we got back home. again: still worth it, still beautiful.)

i keep thinking i am so strong and yet so weak at the same time. i almost fell into lake michigan today, was nearly abducted by the cruel cold waters, and my heart fluttered a siren alarm in my chest when i finally regained my footing and all i thought in that moment was about how much i didnt want my life to end on these terms, before i finally got Over It, before i found satisfaction, and i think when it was all over i realized that the unkillable hope in me was shining through again---i didn't want to die there. i just didn't want to die there, because i knew it would get better if i held on.

and see i think that's where my fascination with aliens lies now---the unknown. the future is so unknown and holding on just anchors me firmly to that unknown. no one can tell with absolute certainty that it works out for me, that i do end up being happy one day. and that's terrifying, so to avoid thinking about it and making strategic decisions to move me closer to my goals, i instead fantasize about a universe where the choice is taken from me and they take me up on a big spaceship where i've always belonged and i never have to deal with any of this again. i fantasize about a universe in which humanity is shaken to its utter essence by the realization we are not alone, and i am revived by the knowledge that i will never have to be alone again. but that's just not sustainable in the long-term, so i dont know, but i think im finally getting to a place where i can visualize the steps i need to take in order to get to some semblance of somewhere. i have been forcing myself to endure undesirable circumstances in order to not be alone when my family passes, but i have finally gathered the ability to put together an emergency plan for that situation and now i no longer feel that chained. for the first time in my life i have been able to remember to form one (1) habit, this is huge for me. is this what healing looks like girlies?

aug 08, 2024

lmfao i need to write in here more

i feel like every time i come back to do an entry im always like "i was too depressed to write anything" but that's been true for a while. it's coming to light that some of my diagnoses may be incorrect, and that the medication i'm on is actively making me worse, but i can't get into my psychiatrist for a month to talk to her about it, so i'm just sort of trying to keep my brain together until we can figure that out. in the meantime, everything is setting me off. i freaked out on someone very close to me recently, and i feel so bad about it. i've been feeling better, but only for the past couple of days. i hope it continues.

i've realized semi-recently that one of my main triggers is waking up. i know why, but the reason is a Biiiit too personal to share. but every time i wake up, its like my body is stuck trying to decide between fight or flight for like several hours, and anything i see during that time that could be even potentially slightly upsetting ends up making me spiral and dictating my entire day. that small period of time is Everything. i want to talk to my therapist about this but i keep forgetting... i'd like to be able to go to sleep and wake up without this kind of emotional disruption, you know?

i'm also coming to the conclusion that a lot of the time i experience depression, it is likely passive influence or fronting im unaware of from a more clandestine alter who is severely depressed and chained to his trauma. because there are times i have found suicide notes in my notes app that i have absolutely no recollection of writing at all whatsoever. it's really weird. my DID specialist brought this up, that DID is often misdiagnosed as bipolar and bpd (my current diagnoses) and that I likely simply have severe depression and DID with borderline traits. i would agree, because when i am manic i'm an entirely different person and i don't remember the person i am when i'm suicidal. it's like i'm stuck in a limbo here.

i feel like having enough self awareness to realize these things is a step in the right direction, but i don't know. sometimes it feels like i just walk backwards, but i do think i'm getting better in some respects. i just want to be able to live my life you know man. i'm sick of being severely depressed and i hate that i have to wait a month to consult my doctor about Anything At All. they rejected me for medical ketamine based on my bipolar diagnosis, and it really did feel for a little while like the universe wanted me to fucking die. i dont think that anymore, but sheesh.

anyway, some more positive stuff: started spending more time outside and now i am like fucking Addictedd to sitting outside and just chilling on my phone or writing in my journal, it is so fun, i'm growing closer to some friends of mine i think and have loved my conversations with them, finally wrote something for the first time in a month the other day, i'm learning how to self-host websites and software and it's super fun, cooking has been super fun, i'm back into a few old special interests of mine (oh, gravity falls it is GOOD to be back!), creating spaces that are finally comfortable and safe for everyone involved where i no longer feel like i have to walk on eggshells or bite my tongue (aka finally kicked those assholes out of my fandom discord server that has been my main social hub for the past 2 years #IFYOUKNOWYOUKNOW), uhhh.. i have to try and find the good where i can :}

june 29, 2024

a lot of things have happened recently... i've been too depressed to write here, or in any of my other journals, until now, for various reasons.

first of all. i've known i have did for a very long time, but always had this weird sort of inner denial---"i'm faking it" or "it's not that bad" doubts. recently i reached out to a specialist, and on tuesday of this week i was officially diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, and my bpd diagnosis was recommended to be removed. when i heard this i was so relieved, but it still impacted me significantly, even if i already knew it was the truth. but to hear i don't have bpd and my bpd symptoms are likely to be caused by DID-related emotional fluctuation.. felt hopeful to me. bpd felt like an unbearable burden to have, one i could never overcome, because for so long it'd been drilled into me that you can never recover from bpd, that remission rates are low and you just have to make the best of it (and i'm not saying anything negative about borderlines here, this is just all my therapists and psychiatrists told me). and for so long, i felt that i would never get better, resigned to it, but my new therapist is incredibly smart and educated on DID and i feel a newfound hope that i can, combined with my recent spravato referral to treat my bipolar TRD, finally live a Life Worth Living.

i turned 23 on the 27th, and the day before that my therapist told me to thank my system for keeping me alive. i've attempted or became extremely close to attempting like 9 times but nothing could ever kill the hope in me that one day things could be better---or, rather, even when things felt inconsequential and pointless, i still went to all my therapy appointments and took my meds religiously and did all my therapy homework and coping mechanisms religiously and TRIED. religiously. i could've given up but something inside me just wouldn't allow that to happen.

for my birthday i did two days of celebration -- one the day before, and one on the day of, because the gluten free custom cake i ordered had to be delivered a day early. i keep thinking about how grateful i am for all of it, my friends and my wonderful supportive family and my pets and God. i have hope. the other day i made a concrete plan for my future. the other day i planned out the entire next act of my novel when i hadn't worked on it in months and had NEVER been able to outline things before. i think life is always going to be a struggle for me but maybe it doesnt have to be so bad.

june 13, 2024

yearning that is entirely 100% platonic is so weird. i want to be friends with you so bad

do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you? do you mind if i grow fond of you?

june 05, 2024

[redacted entry]

may 15, 2024

i want to talk about something that i've struggled a lot with lately, which is... i think i have narcissistic personality disorder.

that's not me self diagnosing without doing any research, i've been wondering this + doing research for the past several years, several others in my family have this diagnosis, and i'm also diagnosed borderline. but there's... a lot of stigma around this disorder, and it comes with a lot of self-hatred for me.

most recently i have been struggling with the anger issues it gives me. when i don't get attention or praise, i get very very angry, and it sort of consumes me, and i go into a blind rage where i'm physically destructive to myself and my surroundings. i'd never hurt anyone else, i havent since childhood, but i broke my phone once because i was in one of these rages--and i live with my family, who are some of the only people i truly love in the world, and it only stresses and hurts them. but i don't seem to stop. i can't stop, it's like nothing satisfies me. i just want praise and praise and when i don't get it i am a brokenness of a person. and, often, i... don't get it LOL, so im angry all the time at a world i feel like cannot handle me-and worse, i feel like a black hole of a thing, that only eats and eats.

i try to do the best i can, i have a strict moral code that just looks a little different from other people's morality, and i always try to be kind to people unless they have given me a reason not to be. but i do get annoyed with people a lot when our personalities do not mesh, and i take everything they say as a slight against me, and it's really hard for me to control my annoyance. i do, because if i were to get upset it'd make me look bad, but i feel like i'm sort of betraying myself when i keep my mouth shut--like i'm letting them walk all over me. well, i tell myself that thought crimes are not real crimes, and that as long as i can keep myself from blowing up, it doesn't matter what mean things i think to myself, or does it ...?

i'm having a day i think where my disorganized thinking is really scattered right now, and so i dont think this makes a lot of sense. basically what im saying is i wish i had a place to discuss how these symptoms are ruining my life openly and comfortably, a place where no one is going to invalidate me or outright demonize me just because niceness and empathy don't come easily to me. i really want to be the best person i can be because i don't want to perpetuate the pain i received growing up, and i will never quit trying to get better and act in alignment with my values of kindness. it's, just, y'know, harder for me than the average person.

may 11, 2024

i am home from vacation and just... tired beyond belief?

i am in a grieving period---grieving the closeness i had with my partner when i was with them. we don't get to talk much when we're apart due to external circumstances, and... i feel like that closeness has been ripped out of me harshly. i know that's not true but i just miss them so so much and going back to low contact is so hard for someone like me. i adore my partner so deeply.

this trip has been exhausting, and very emotional for me. like i said, i feel a grief in a way. but i also feel closer to them than i have felt with anyone else ever in my life, and i know i want to be w/ them forever. it's just. logistics, yknow? i'm dedicated. i have only been comfortable with relationships historically when they begin as text-only or long distance, because, due to my trauma, i don't want anyone to push me into physical contact before i'm ready--and my partner has been so respectful of my boundaries and i'm so appreciative.

i just wish things were easier, but i guess life would be boring if things were easy all the time. still, i'd like things to be Somewhat easier, lol.

anyway, on another topic, part of my issue these days is that i'm struggling with treatment resistant depression, and i feel constantly like i want to die soon. i have tried every medication they can give me & now they want to give me either ketamine or electroshock therapy, and i just don't... WANT to do either of those things.. so i'm going to try a few things to see if i can get my life to a somewhat more livable state.

first i'm going to try to make a weekly schedule, one that i stick to every day, because i dont work or go to school due to disability so... i have no schedule! but there are other things i can do every day, and i'm tired of this constant void boredom that eats me alive every day. i'm working on creating that now. i'm also going to try to get out more.... i want to feel better and i don't know how but i know i need to make Some lifestyle changes?

i sorta feel like i won't feel better until i find a deep connection with someone who is able to spend time with me and who can talk to me whenever they have free time, because that is a void in my life--the kind of platonic closeness that comes with having a best friend. i haven't had a best friend... probably in 5 years, and my last "best friend" turned out to be a horrid person. every aspect of my depression rn revolves around loneliness. and with my beloved's autonomy so restricted at their home, we talk less than i'd like, and it aches.

may 09, 2024

i am leaving a day early from iowa (where i am visiting my partner) because i tripped on my purse and sliced my leg open, dislocating my ankle and knee (thanks, hEDS!), and in iowa you cannot have medical marijuana which is the only thing that has managed to help my pain ever.... i am in so much pain i have to go home and i guess my physical health is really frustrating me because it keeps me from being able to do the things i want to do. i am also extremely extremely exhausted despite the fact that i am having a good time. idk theres so much on my mind and i reached out to a few friends after having 3 breakdowns at once and i got... ignored lol so i'm just. i'm not in a good place at all. i dont want to leave them and go back home to not being able to speak to them for most of the day because [circumstance]. i dont want to go back home now that i've been with them like this. i don't want to go anywhere at all.

may 08, 2024

these past few days im spending with my beloved have finally given me. i don't know. i for so long really couldn't put it... into words? it was. warmth and fuzziness. like sinking into a soft fluffy warm blanket. like time stopped for me and everything bad melted away and turned into the ice cream in the chocolate shake i bought them, sweeter. like i had won the lottery. like i had been given something i never ever want to have taken away. like a random missing fragment of my soul clicked in place? i don't know. anyway, i realized afterwards that i think that feeling was something i genuinely have never felt, in my life, before: "contentment"

every other relationship i've had has been long distance exclusively---and up until now i preferred it that way, because i didn't want anyone to expect anything from me. i'm severely traumatized, and autistic; these things make physical touch very Difficult, in my experience, to handle when i don't implicitly 100% trust someone. but... i trust them. one thousand percent, with my whole essence, i trust them.

and fuck, i mean, that's scary!!! it's so scary because i didn't know what being happy was like before two days ago and soon i have to go back home and i dont want to go back to the nothingness i am at home, because i see myself in the reflection of their eyes and i like what i look like under their gaze. i'm tearing up writing this!! i love everything about them and when i am with them i find that i see the world in a whole new way. i stop and look at my surroundings and everything is more vivid, like the time i did shrooms but more holy, like everything is bluer and greener and brighter and softer and most importantly kinder. i feel their head rest on my chest and i only feel saved.

i, my whole life, have had treatment-resitant depression. we've tried every med, every intervention, and i still always want to die. now i want to be alive to see where this goes and what the future can look like.