may 09, 2024

i am leaving a day early from iowa (where i am visiting my partner) because i tripped on my purse and sliced my leg open, dislocating my ankle and knee (thanks, hEDS!), and in iowa you cannot have medical marijuana which is the only thing that has managed to help my pain ever.... i am in so much pain i have to go home and i guess my physical health is really frustrating me because it keeps me from being able to do the things i want to do. i am also extremely extremely exhausted despite the fact that i am having a good time. idk theres so much on my mind and i reached out to a few friends after having 3 breakdowns at once and i got... ignored lol so i'm just. i'm not in a good place at all. i dont want to leave them and go back home to not being able to speak to them for most of the day because [circumstance]. i dont want to go back home now that i've been with them like this. i don't want to go anywhere at all.

may 08, 2024
tw: discussions of trauma

these past few days im spending with my beloved have finally given me. i don't know. i for so long really couldn't put it... into words? it was. warmth and fuzziness. like sinking into a soft fluffy warm blanket. like time stopped for me and everything bad melted away and turned into the ice cream in the chocolate shake i bought them, sweeter. like i had won the lottery. like i had been given something i never ever want to have taken away. like a random missing fragment of my soul clicked in place? i don't know. anyway, i realized afterwards that i think that feeling was something i genuinely have never felt, in my life, before: "contentment"

every other relationship i've had has been long distance exclusively---and up until now i preferred it that way, because i didn't want anyone to expect anything from me. i'm severely traumatized, and autistic; these things make physical touch very Difficult, in my experience, to handle when i don't implicitly 100% trust someone. but... i trust them. one thousand percent, with my whole essence, i trust them.

and fuck, i mean, that's scary!!! it's so scary because i didn't know what being happy was like before two days ago and soon i have to go back home and i dont want to go back to the nothingness i am at home, because i see myself in the reflection of their eyes and i like what i look like under their gaze. i'm tearing up writing this!! i love everything about them and when i am with them i find that i see the world in a whole new way. i stop and look at my surroundings and everything is more vivid, like the time i did shrooms but more holy, like everything is bluer and greener and brighter and softer and most importantly kinder. i feel their head rest on my chest and i only feel saved.

i, my whole life, have had treatment-resitant depression. we've tried every med, every intervention, and i still always want to die. now i want to be alive to see where this goes and what the future can look like.